Someone give me some advice to improve this introduction…
I have chosen to write about a compelling argument currently overtaking our news papers, magazines and media; the growing craze to be skinny and the pressure which is imposed upon us, unfortunately resulting in eating disorders such as Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia. I am going to be exploring and analysing two different articles about Anorexia and the reasons why the pressure to be ‘size 0’ is so intense. I will then compare the two articles to develop my knowledge further on the chosen subject therefore making my essay less biased. The reasons in which I have chosen to write about this particular subject is because, I feel that I could benefit from learning and exploring further into Anorexia and other eating disorders. I personally feel that it is an interesting subject to reconnoiter and will be a challenging subject to write about because the importance of this subject is underrated. I would like to know more myself, as well as teaching others about the serious consequences which could be faced and the vast amount of people it affects. I obtained my first article from the famous fashion magazine ‘Vogue’ and my second article from ——
First of all:
1. NEVER use first person in an essay (Eradicate all ‘I’s and ‘us’s)
2. NEVER use second person (‘you’, ‘you all’–your audience knows the essay was written for the, and don’t need to be reminded of it).
3.NEVER outright state what you are going to cover; it is very boring.
What you want to do is start out with a universal statement and gradually come to the point, which is your thesis.
…I can’t even find your thesis in that. That introduction is very uninteresting. The whole thing needs to be rewritten. Your readers don’t WANT to know you paper is unbiased, we want to decide that for ourselves. We don’t really care where you got your information from, either, just tell us the goddamn information!
Perhaps try this:
It seems that women are naturally insecure about their image. The media helps, to be sure, but it almost seems to be a woman’s natural inclination to compare herself to other women. At one point in history, a woman of average weight–or even a tad overweight–was considered healthy and wealthy. It was the ideal image of the day. In today’s world, however, the ideal image has been changed and now girls and women all over the country suffer under the pressure to be skinny and lose weight. What had once been a symbol of wealth and prosperity is now looked down upon. Today’s models are thin, tall, and slim. An actor or actress is under constant pressure to be thin so they may look good on film. What example does this set for young girls who watch these actors? This growing craze overtaking America’s media are what causes Anorexia and Bulimia, two eating disorders that are much more mental disorders than they are physical.
If you MUST state your sources in the intro, try this: The following information has been extracted from…
Notice I began with a Universal Statement: “It seems that women are naturally insecure about their image.”
And I ended with a thesis: “This growing craze overtaking America’s media are what causes Anorexia and Bulimia, two eating disorders that are much more mental disorders than they are physical.”
I did not use first person at all, either. It is all third person.
Do you see how I gradually came to my point and applied it to our day? Yeah, that’s what you want to do.
Try again.
Good Luck.
Hello there,
why did you post this question twice? I just replied to your first one…
References :
The Daily Telegraph. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/3151790/Anne-Diamond-fat-people-get-worse-treatment-than-drunks-and-junkies-in-society.html?source=EMC-new_08102008
References :
first of all, what type of an essay is this, and should you be using the first person point of view?
what grade level is this?
you don’t need to say the “i obtained my first article…” you can say “my first article comes from the famous fashion magazine, Vogue,” when you introduce it in your next paragraph. you also will cite it in your bibliography, so don’t overdo it.
ou don’t need the “to develop my knowledge further on the chosen subject therefore making my essay less biased.” and you say “reasons” in the next sentence, but you only have one point to say.
References :
Our culture seems to be in love with skinniness: it is all over the media, both print and video. This idea that all women should be a size “0″is very pervasive, and also very dangerous, because it can and does lead to eating disorders. The two most well-known are Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia. Unfortunately, even though the pressure to be thin is so prevalent, not much is known about these two maladies. Research from the famous fashion magazine”Vogue” and from . . . .
References :
I have chosen to present…..
References :
First of all:
1. NEVER use first person in an essay (Eradicate all ‘I’s and ‘us’s)
2. NEVER use second person (‘you’, ‘you all’–your audience knows the essay was written for the, and don’t need to be reminded of it).
3.NEVER outright state what you are going to cover; it is very boring.
What you want to do is start out with a universal statement and gradually come to the point, which is your thesis.
…I can’t even find your thesis in that. That introduction is very uninteresting. The whole thing needs to be rewritten. Your readers don’t WANT to know you paper is unbiased, we want to decide that for ourselves. We don’t really care where you got your information from, either, just tell us the goddamn information!
Perhaps try this:
It seems that women are naturally insecure about their image. The media helps, to be sure, but it almost seems to be a woman’s natural inclination to compare herself to other women. At one point in history, a woman of average weight–or even a tad overweight–was considered healthy and wealthy. It was the ideal image of the day. In today’s world, however, the ideal image has been changed and now girls and women all over the country suffer under the pressure to be skinny and lose weight. What had once been a symbol of wealth and prosperity is now looked down upon. Today’s models are thin, tall, and slim. An actor or actress is under constant pressure to be thin so they may look good on film. What example does this set for young girls who watch these actors? This growing craze overtaking America’s media are what causes Anorexia and Bulimia, two eating disorders that are much more mental disorders than they are physical.
If you MUST state your sources in the intro, try this: The following information has been extracted from…
Notice I began with a Universal Statement: “It seems that women are naturally insecure about their image.”
And I ended with a thesis: “This growing craze overtaking America’s media are what causes Anorexia and Bulimia, two eating disorders that are much more mental disorders than they are physical.”
I did not use first person at all, either. It is all third person.
Do you see how I gradually came to my point and applied it to our day? Yeah, that’s what you want to do.
Try again.
Good Luck.
References :